“I was conditioned to believe any boundary I had, was a betrayal of her, so I stayed silent, and  cooperative.”

—Jennette McCurdy

Living in a world where the social norm dictates us to undoubtedly believe in the selfless love and innumerable sacrifices of our mothers, we often repress the trauma inflicted by the uncomfortable relationships with our mothers. Children ’s sense of self is molded by the relationship they have with their mothers. 

What if your mother was not there for you emotionally? That’s how the mother wounds come into existence that hinder emotional development in adult life. 

The circumstances of your childhood can not be controlled. What can be controlled are the choices that you make today to heal what was broken as a child! 

Finding the Balance

The key is to find a balance between accepting negative feelings of anger, and disappointment, and forgiving them. You have two options. Feed the anger that will cause emotional consequences, or LET IT GO and be free. But how?

Feel the Pain:

Instead of playing strong and repressing your emotions, let it hurt. 

Stand in the pain.

Let it wash all over you.

The only way past pain is right through it.

Express the pain you felt when you were ignored and your needs were unmet. Therapy and journaling can help with that. 

Self-love:

How we see ourselves is directly related to how our mothers saw and loved us. The idea of self-love is to accept and appreciate the person you are. Self-love is to recreate your image however you want without analyzing it through the lens of your mother. 

Self-Awareness:

Learning how to get in touch with your inner self without any reinforcement is of supreme importance. Taking time to feel your emotions and understanding your needs allows you to be your true self that does not seek validation from outside. It helps in developing emotional independence. 

Be Your Own Parent:

You can give yourself what you did not receive as a child. Love, understanding, kindness, and respect to self is not spoiling yourself, it’s the highest form of self-care. Take yourself out on a walk, buy yourself that nice dress, get yourself overpriced coffee, meet that friend and laugh a little. 

Forgiveness:

Bringing up a child is not easy. Mothers are humans. They can make mistakes and get things wrong. Sometimes, very wrong. If you can forgive her for the mistakes she made and accept her as the person she is, you will free yourself from the unnecessary burden and pain of disappointment. 

Developing an emotional space for yourself will help you create the space to forgive your mother. Forgiveness is for you. It’s the sign that you have moved on from the hurt that her decisions caused you. 

Work on Boundaries:

Once you have let go of the pain and forgiven your mother, it might be possible to build up a better relationship with her.  Just make sure to put yourself first and develop boundaries that serve you. 

In some cases, where the mother was abusive and manipulative, it is impossible at times to forgive and forget. In these cases, it is okay to live a life where your mother is not a part of it. Just focus on yourself. Be mindful and self-aware. Take help from the therapist and your friend circle to cultivate a life that serves you. 

The Takeaway Message

It is true that what a mother does during your childhood has an impact on your adult life. But using it as an excuse to be an unhealthy adult will only create problems for you and your loved ones. At one point in our lives, we have to stop blaming our childhood for who we are and start taking responsibility for who we want to be!